my heritage

I guess I am ‘nesting’ in some ways and very curious about my own heritage, family, who I am – which is odd because my heritage won’t pass to our little embryos but still … its been on my mind lately.  I had a mini-breakdown yesterday because I haven’t heard anything from my own family.  I called my Mom and cried my eyes out, blaming myself, thinking I had done something that has kept them all away from me.  Why hasn’t any of them (my brothers or her) called, emailed, facebook’d, anything?  Isn’t this an important time in their lives too?   I know everyone has a lot going on especially my older brother Hamilton who is dealing with incredible health issues and I understand.  I need to call him but I am not sure what to say.  We have not been close for a long time.

Families are just different and mine is fragmented to say the least.  I think we love each other but we have individually had our own set of challenges that ultimately kept us from being close.    These are my half brothers and even though I think this is the first time I have ever even uttered those words, it is a fact.   I talked to Rob about it and I think he is right that I cannot take it personally that we are not close and accept that this is what it is and hold my head up.  For whatever decisions I have made in my past I certainly do not want to be judged by them, nor would I judge anyone else.  I just really want to be supported by those I call my family.

I called my Mom back today to ask her about my heritage.  I learned my grandparents names today (her parents): Antonia Felizardo and Antonio Anselmo.  She did not know her father, only his name but he was from Sicily and came from an Italian family.  My grandmother and her entire lineage is Brazilian all the way back to Portugal (and Africa).   My great-grandmother’s name was Teresa Felizardo.  My mother is from a small town outside of Sao Paulo called Piraju.  For the first time in my life I actually researched this town and saw images online.   My younger brother Milton has been there with my mother to visit and my older brother Hamilton was born there.

My biological father (who passed away in 1994) was English/Scottish.  I did not know him but met him.  His father, my grandfather, was from Scotland and broke the Scottish lineage when he married a Britisher.  My grandfather was a well-known corporate attorney in Houston, Texas.  My father was an only child.  I was also the only child from the marriage of my mother and father.

I have no cousins, or grandparents, or uncles, or aunts.  I have two nieces that are my older brother Hamilton’s daughters.  I love them both very much but rarely see them, unfortunately.  They live in Florida.   My mother and my younger brother live in Houston.

I think I was meant to be in a large family with lots of women in my life, children, traditions, week-end gatherings, BBQs, holiday and recipe trading.  I love to be hugged and need constant affirmation and encouragement.  I do much better when I feel close and cozy and do horribly alone.   I am like a pack dog 🙂

I have latched on to Rob’s family so hard that I may wear out my welcome! I love the bond I have made with them and hope they accept me and my neediness.

There is no blame for all this and I do not fault anyone.  It is what it is .. and I am OK with that.

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4 Responses to my heritage

  1. Linda says:

    Ah, Marina, I’m so sorry you are having a hard time right now, when you should be looking forward to the promise that lies ahead.
    First of all you will not wear out your welcome with Rob’s family. We all love you.
    I don’t know what is going on with your family, but you are right to look at your situation without blame and say, “it is what it is”.
    You certainly do have an interesting family tree. Did you know that part of Rob’s family is Scotch and British also. (his Dad’s side). From his Mom…all German.
    Love You!

  2. Terri & Dad says:

    Marina, life can sometimes leave us with a lot of questions about family, why they dont keep in contact, why we feel we have done something wrong. My mom passed when I was just 10 yrs old and my alcoholic father raised me when I wasnt shipped off to my Gma’s or my aunts during the summers. My Dad re-married and I have a half sister….but now since my stepmom passed away…and even before I was left out of any family functions…Then when my Dad passed, I never saw them much. When my step mom passed away, I didnt know about it til I read it in the news. My Half sister didnt call me.. so I have decided that this is their loss if they dont want to love me, contact me,. etc Strange that family can be that way. I THanl God that I have Mikes family & kids and even Linda to be in my life. THis is what family should be about! so you have all of us now to love you and hug you and support you & Rob.. so you are not alone having the feelings you are having but life goes on and even sometimes it is better this way..You have a good , loving family now!!!!!! WE might be a little crazy at times….but we have a lot of love to share!!!!

  3. jonna says:

    Well you know damn well you’re part of my pack. We are family! I love you

    Great, now I’ve got Sister Sledge in my head, hehe.

  4. Thank you 🙂
    I would be lost without all of you right now. You all mean the world to me.

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