I guess I am ‘nesting’ in some ways and very curious about my own heritage, family, who I am – which is odd because my heritage won’t pass to our little embryos but still … its been on my mind lately. I had a mini-breakdown yesterday because I haven’t heard anything from my own family. I called my Mom and cried my eyes out, blaming myself, thinking I had done something that has kept them all away from me. Why hasn’t any of them (my brothers or her) called, emailed, facebook’d, anything? Isn’t this an important time in their lives too? I know everyone has a lot going on especially my older brother Hamilton who is dealing with incredible health issues and I understand. I need to call him but I am not sure what to say. We have not been close for a long time.
Families are just different and mine is fragmented to say the least. I think we love each other but we have individually had our own set of challenges that ultimately kept us from being close. These are my half brothers and even though I think this is the first time I have ever even uttered those words, it is a fact. I talked to Rob about it and I think he is right that I cannot take it personally that we are not close and accept that this is what it is and hold my head up. For whatever decisions I have made in my past I certainly do not want to be judged by them, nor would I judge anyone else. I just really want to be supported by those I call my family.
I called my Mom back today to ask her about my heritage. I learned my grandparents names today (her parents): Antonia Felizardo and Antonio Anselmo. She did not know her father, only his name but he was from Sicily and came from an Italian family. My grandmother and her entire lineage is Brazilian all the way back to Portugal (and Africa). My great-grandmother’s name was Teresa Felizardo. My mother is from a small town outside of Sao Paulo called Piraju. For the first time in my life I actually researched this town and saw images online. My younger brother Milton has been there with my mother to visit and my older brother Hamilton was born there.
My biological father (who passed away in 1994) was English/Scottish. I did not know him but met him. His father, my grandfather, was from Scotland and broke the Scottish lineage when he married a Britisher. My grandfather was a well-known corporate attorney in Houston, Texas. My father was an only child. I was also the only child from the marriage of my mother and father.
I have no cousins, or grandparents, or uncles, or aunts. I have two nieces that are my older brother Hamilton’s daughters. I love them both very much but rarely see them, unfortunately. They live in Florida. My mother and my younger brother live in Houston.
I think I was meant to be in a large family with lots of women in my life, children, traditions, week-end gatherings, BBQs, holiday and recipe trading. I love to be hugged and need constant affirmation and encouragement. I do much better when I feel close and cozy and do horribly alone. I am like a pack dog 🙂
I have latched on to Rob’s family so hard that I may wear out my welcome! I love the bond I have made with them and hope they accept me and my neediness.
There is no blame for all this and I do not fault anyone. It is what it is .. and I am OK with that.